The Challenge of Conflicting Goals
When it came to setting goals, I would apply all the best practices of splitting my life into categories – personal, professional, family, relationships, health, etc – creating 3-5 SMART goals for each…which worked for me until it didn’t.
I consistently found this traditional approach often led to goals in direct conflict with each other in allocating my time and energy: hitting my workout and morning routine goals required me to get up earlier, but date nights with my wife and re-engaging friendships needed later nights; being fully present in my kids’ lives with school events and sports needed a lot of afternoons and early evenings, making those time slots unavailable to drive business growth goals. And accomplishing all these left very little space for any personal hobbies or fun.
The result?
A full helping of overwhelm with a side of guilt and shame spiral for not achieving what I set out to do, only draining my energy even further.
Any of this sound familiar to you?
The Purpose of Goals
In Gary Keller’s “The One Thing“, he speaks about the true purpose of a goal: providing clarity on how to be appropriate in the moment. I think it’s fair to say we all usually know what we are supposed to do but in that moment of truth, of decision, life often seems to get in the way.
We know we should exercise, eat healthy, balance work and life. But how often do these plans get derailed by life? That early morning meeting, the kids’ school/sports routine, running late again, the lure of just a bit more sleep – all push those great plans off until tomorrow just one more time…again.
A Shift in Approach: Identity-Based Goals
A few years ago, I decided to try something different. Instead of focusing on “What do I want to do this year?” I shifted the question to “Who do I want to be at the end of this year?” and then focused on the behaviors that will close the gap between who I am today and who I want to be at the end of December.
This change in perspective was nothing short of transformational. It aligned with the growing body of research showing that nearly half of our choices are not actually made by us, but by our habits. And where do most of habits come from? Our subconscious constantly trying to find homeostasis in everything, including aligning our behaviors to our self-identity. By shifting my focus to intentionally choosing who I want to be through identity-based goals, I started swimming with the (subconscious) current, not against it.
For instance, instead of my health goal from a few years ago of “5+ sixty minute workouts per week”, I reframed to “I am someone who values my health and gets more energy from workouts than they take. I am someone who moves my body every day, whether for 5 minutes, 30 minutes, or an hour. I am someone that values moving my body.” Before, when those inevitable morning conflicts came up, if I couldn’t get in a full hour, it wouldn’t “count” so I wouldn’t do anything – now, with movement as a part of my identity, I can still win the day by just doing 5 minutes of jumping jacks, push-ups, and sit-ups.
These small wins of being appropriate in the moment not only strengthen the power of my body, but maybe more importantly, strengthen my the power of my will.
Staying the Course Amidst Uncertainty & Conflicts
Last year, my “I am someone who…” was one that I achieved, but my goodness, I had no idea how hard it was going to be to become this person:
I am someone who is healthy and rejuvenated.
I am someone who is resilient and adaptable with confidence that doesn’t even solicit cortisol or adrenaline but rather curiosity and intrigue.
I am someone who sees problems and challenges not as some sign of my inability, lack of experience, or a mistake but for what they are, just another turn in the road to learn and grow from.
I am someone who consistently notices and captures learning lessons in my life and then writes about and shares those lessons with others.
I am someone who is centered, confident, and full of consistent, healthy energy which allows me to show up as the best version of myself for my wife, kids, partners, team, and friends.
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Last year brought this guiding principle into sharp focus for me. I found myself wrestling with internal doubts and conflicts regarding my summer sabbatical. Should I stay the course or not? Each time my mouse hovered over the “delete event” button of my sabbatical, or when arguing with my current identity about grinding harder and getting even busier, or choosing to slow down, read, or take a long walk without my phone, each time I gained clarity and peace by asking myself, “Will this move me further or closer to the person I want to become?”
This simple yet profound question became my compass, guiding me to keep aligned with the desired identity moment after agonizing moment, where conflicts made it easy to justify the actions and activities that were urgent but wouldn’t move me closer to who I ultimately want to become.
My shift toward identity-focused goals, with corresponding actions and activity statements, generates fewer goals, but all of them are specifically targeted to the same outcome with clarity to more easily eliminate trade-off conflicts.
Think about a time when you had to choose between an important work deadline and a family event or between watching one more show and getting to bed on time? What decision did you make, and how did it align with who you aspire to be?
By the End of This Year, I Am Someone Who…
This year, my primary focus is on becoming someone who fully enjoys life, who’s centered and connected, and has fun for the sake of fun. This may seem like an odd identity goal theme, but during my sabbatical, I realized how much of life I was missing out by constantly delaying gratification, by not allowing myself to simply enjoy the moment. Everything fun had to be justified, and in that, the joy was often lost.
By the end of this year…
I am someone who enjoys life.
I am someone who laughs freely and easily.
I am someone who has fun for the sake of fun.
I am someone who says “yes” to invitations from family and friends knowing I have a surplus of energy.
I am someone who is able to consistently identify subconscious scripts/cables, determine if they are still serving me or not, and then reprogram or reaffirm with intention.
I am someone who enjoys what I am doing in all aspects of life, does my best at whatever I am doing at the time, and trusts that the outcomes will occur as they should.
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Each year, I try to improve this process just a little bit more. Adding a layer deeper, looking at each category of life (personal, professional, relationships, health, etc), I identified where the most likely conflict may arise, and then created a “When–>Will statement” to be 100% clear on what appropriate looks/sounds like in the most challenging and important moments supporting the shift I want to make.
For example, “When I am asked to do something fun and the only reason I normally would say “no” is because of energy/battery anxiety, I Will say “yes”.
I’ve already seen this small shift create drastic change.
I’ve started saying yes to things I’d normally decline – pickleball with friends, playing video games with my son, board games with my daughter. These might seem small, but they’re significant shifts in how I am choosing to live and enjoy my life. It’s about aligning simple actions with the identity I aspire to become.
Your Personal Journey: Crafting Identity-Based Goals
If traditional goal-setting hasn’t achieved consistent positive results for you, I encourage you to explore this approach. It’s not about rigidly adhering to a set of predetermined tasks but about aligning your actions with who you want to be.
This exercise might open new doors for you, just as it did for me.
Sit down, calm your mind, think about who you are today, and who you want to be by year’s end. Write down whatever comes to mind:
“By the end of this year, I am someone who…”
Once you’ve identified them, create the supporting “When–>Will” statements to address some of the inevitable conflicts that will arise.
Identity-based goals are about being appropriate in the moment, making decisions that align with your true self. It’s about focusing on fewer things but doing them better, embracing the essence of who you are and who you aspire to be.
This method might not work for everyone, but I definitely believe it’s worth exploring. If you try it, I’d love to hear how it resonates with you. At the end of the day, it’s about finding what works for you, finding the alignment between your actions and the life you want.
Lead With Energy,
Derek
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