Achievement: A Complicated Beast
“Why do I do this to myself?!” I desperately asked my high school girl friend. The pressure and stress of trying to take on and excel at everything were reaching a boiling point.
My high school resume was one to be proud of. Each area of success (academics, athletics, leadership, social) was robust enough to stand alone and be worthy of pride, but together, they were truly impressive…externally…to everyone else. But inside, it was never enough. I had never done enough. I could never seem to do enough.
Different versions of that same question have continued to plague me my entire adult life. It was impossible for me or her to come up with a good answer then, and only now, nearly 25 years later, am I starting to unravel some semblance of a coherent response.
Strengths and Their Shadows
Growing up on a dairy farm, there were certain “sins” that simply weren’t tolerated: laziness, wastefulness, and selfishness topped the list. These farm-bred values forged my identity, creating traits that have served me extraordinarily well as an entrepreneur: a relentless work ethic, creative resourcefulness, and deep empathetic connection. But as I’ve discovered through years of leadership, our greatest strengths often cast the longest shadows.
As leaders, we’re constantly told to double down on our strengths, which works—until it doesn’t. Until we burn out. Until we lose our passion. Until a health scare forces us to reevaluate everything. Until the very things that built us up start to tear us down.
For two decades, I’ve focused intensely on my growth, thinking…knowing…once I figured “it” out, once I got “there”, things would get easier and lighter. But the opposite was happening. Everything seemed to just get harder and heavier. The better I got, the worse it got. Fighting off these unseen shadows was absolutely destroying me.
My relentlessness morphed into never feeling content. I pushed myself endlessly, guilt consuming me whenever I paused to breathe and savor achievements or enjoy my life. “If it’s not hard, it’s not good” became my guiding mantra.
My resourcefulness, born from avoiding waste, led to over-complication and endless innovation—often at the cost of the simplicity and efficiency the team needed to help them and the company prosper.
My empathy, rooted in not being selfish, transformed into over-identifying with others’ challenges and needs, making it extremely difficult to hold anyone accountable for results, and therefore perpetually missing our goals.
As we grow strengths anchored in things we are trying to avoid with low vibrational energy like shame, fear, or anger, their corresponding shadows grow proportionately longer and darker, consuming more and more energy. Since we must constantly replace the energy being absorbed by the darkness of our shadows, burnout becomes inevitable.
It’s why, as leaders, we must confront and embrace our shadows. We must have the courage to step into the darkness, accept the parts of ourselves we’ve long ignored and shunned, to unleash the immense energy stored within them. Think about it: it takes the same amount of effort (maybe even more) to avoid what’s bad for you as it does to embrace what’s good. By pushing away our shadows, we destroy energy that could be utilized for good.
Embrace the Shadow, Reclaim the Power
Here’s the process I’ve found transformative:
- Notice your reactions: Pay attention to moments that trigger stress or discomfort. These reactions offer clues to where your shadows lurk.
- Poke holes in the veil: Gently explore the space between your strength and its shadow. Investigate the roots where experiences and beliefs have shaped your behaviors.
- Shed light on your shadow: See the shadow for what it is, look for its purpose. Despite being locked away, every shadow has immense value and is trying to help and protect you in some way.
- Embrace and accept: True power comes from integration, not elimination. When you accept your shadows, you unleash their energy in a positive way.
This work isn’t easy, but it is powerful.
As I am learning to let go of the guilt associated with rest and start to celebrate my achievements, I am finding a new center of balance and a stronger sense of self. By accepting the parts of myself I once ignored or feared, I receive far fewer messages of warning from them that manifest as stress, anxiety, fear, or anger. By embracing the triggering parts, I am triggered much less often.
The scaffolding of rigorous routine and discipline that once “protected” me from becoming lazy or selfish had become a cage of my own making. By dismantling it one limiting belief at a time, I am becoming a fuller, more authentic version of myself, a stronger leader, and a more happy and fulfilled human being.
What Strength Casts Your Shadow?
Which of your strengths have shadows that are holding you back? Are you feeling the energetic drain in areas of your life that what once lit you up?
I’m working on an exercise to help leaders identify and embrace their shadows, and I’d love your input. Here are two ways you can help:
- Reflect upon your strengths and their corresponding shadows and email them to me to help build a more comprehensive Strength-Shadow library for leaders.
- Email me if you are potentially interested in volunteering to participate in a 60-minute pilot exercise designed to bring light to the shadows holding you back.
We can only grow through brute force for so long before our shadows catch up to us. Start small, start easy, but just make sure you start. Start noticing, start exploring, start understanding, and only then, can you start embracing and living the life you are destined to.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Lead With Energy,
Derek