Even amidst billions of others, when even a single star burns out, the night sky will never be the same. Earlier this month, we lost so bright of a star so quickly it still doesn’t seem possible that our sky has been forever changed.
John Ruhlin was one of the good ones, one of the best ones. So full of life, full of joy, and as he memorialized in his book and company, GIFT•OLOGY, full of radical generosity. He had one of the biggest hearts of anyone I’ve ever met, and it is not lost on me that the same larger-than-life heart of his may be what took his life at just 44, leaving behind a wife, four daughters under 13, and a positive dent in thousands of others’ hearts.
As I drove home from his memorial service, emotionally drained from the rollercoaster of tears, laughs, and shared memories, three reflections kept surfacing. I’d like to share these with you, in hopes that they might offer a moment of reflection for your own life.
The Power of Expressed Love
Just how many moments, how many “firsts” his girls will go through without their Dad there with them.
John was not shy in expressing his pride and love for his girls to anyone, including them. What a gift he gave them to know unequivocally what and how much they meant to him.
As leaders, it is easy to focus predominantly on results and performance. But let’s not forget the profound impact of expressed gratitude and affection. It’s not just about feeling it…it’s about saying it, showing it, living it.
Who in your life, whether family, friend, partner, or teammate, have you felt but not expressed your love and appreciation to? Would those most important to you know and feel your heart deeply enough to survive your absence?
The Illusion of Control
How unfair it is that he had done so much work to get healthy but it ultimately didn’t matter.
In recent years, John focused his typical drive and determination on improving his health. He exercised, ate well, optimized his sleep, and even installed a sauna and cold plunge at home. His efforts had paid off as he lost nearly 50 pounds and his already vibrant energy reached new heights.
Yet, despite all this, we lost him. As someone who has navigated my own health challenges, this reality feels profoundly unfair. It’s a stark reminder of just how little control we truly have over outcomes, be it in business or in life.
This realization presents two paths: one heavy with disillusionment, despair, and disempowerment…the other, airy with joy, freedom, and flow.
A coach once told me that the key to happiness in life is very simple:
- Enjoy what you do
- Do your best at whatever you are doing
- Let go of the outcome
That last one, letting go, is often the most challenging, especially for those of us wired to go and make things happen. But here’s the truth: controlling outcomes is like trying to control the wind. We can’t dictate its strength or direction, but we can improve our ability to harness its power towards a preferred path.
Where in your life are you gripping too tightly to desired outcomes?
Where would you benefit from fully accepting what is, finding joy in the next step, doing your best, and trusting that you’re positioning yourself and your team for success?
Living the Life We Create
One of his eulogists said something that struck me deeply: “He and his wife worked so hard to create a life that he’ll never get to fully live.”
This sentiment resonates strongly with me, as I’ve spent the past year intentionally focusing on actually enjoying the life I’ve created, rather than constantly striving for an even “better” future.
If you’re reading this, chances are you’re among the world’s most fortunate in almost every measurable way. Yet it’s all too easy to let our future dreams and desires drown out our present gifts and gratitudes. The ambition to climb a higher mountain does not preclude us from enjoying the views along the way, unless we are myopically focused on only the summit.
Take a moment to reflect:
Where are you mentally living in a future where you got something you currently don’t have or got rid of something you currently have but don’t want? Now, imagine yourself as that future you, looking back to this moment. What can you identify that you’re glad happened (even if you wouldn’t want to go through it again) because it helped you get there? Can you find a glimmer of gratitude for whatever is right now?
Shining Brighter in the Darkness
The world needs our gifts, our drive, our determination. It needs our ability to elevate energy and create positive dents in the hearts of those around us. The world needs leaders like us to shine. And now, with the loss of John’s incredible luminosity, it needs each of us to shine just a little bit brighter.
As we all navigate the complexities of leadership, the delicate balance of work and life, and the ever-present threat of burnout, let’s carry forward these lessons:
- Express your appreciation and love openly and often.
- Do your best, but practice letting go of outcomes you can’t control.
- Live fully in the life you’re creating, finding joy and gratitude in the present.
In doing so, we honor not just John’s memory, but the potential within each of us to make a lasting, positive impact on our world. Even as some stars fade, may we collectively illuminate the path forward, guiding ourselves and others towards a brighter future.
Lead With Energy,
Derek